Stop Sweetening Bitter Truths

If you have to keep adding sugar just to swallow it, that is not a vibe, that is a warning. We take the viral black coffee rule and put it under a real-life microscope, because most of us are not sweetening coffee, we are sweetening relationships, jobs, business decisions, and even our own exhaustion.

We talk through how easy it is to excuse a tone, downplay disrespect, or call something “complicated” when it is actually draining. Then we get honest about the difference between giving grace and tolerating patterns that cost you your peace. The black coffee rule becomes a boundary tool: taste what is true, name it clearly, and stop forcing a fit that keeps making you smaller.

The conversation also goes deep on women in business, leadership, and burnout. Growth can be exciting and still be unsustainable, especially when you are carrying too much alone, taking on debt without breathing room, or hiding the hard stuff from your team until it spills out. We share what it looks like to drop the mask, communicate more directly, and set standards that protect your health and your future.

We even bring it home to parenting and family, where over-sweetening can accidentally keep other people from learning, stepping up, and supporting us the way we actually need. If you are ready for more self-respect, clearer boundaries, and less quiet resentment, hit play, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review if you want more slightly salty honesty each week.

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Transcript

Welcome To Slightly Salty

Voice Over 0:02

Welcome to the Group Chat Goes Live, Slightly Salty Edition, where your three favorite troublemakers turn the chaos of the group text into a full-blown weekly show. We're talking real life, real opinions, and just enough sass to keep things interesting. No filters, no perfection. Just three women with big personalities, bold stories, and a habit of saying the quiet parts out loud. So grab your drink, brace yourself, and join us. Because the group chat didn't just spill the tea, it went live.

Bitter Coffee Video Sets Theme

Adrianne 0:33

Welcome back to another episode. And today's topic, uh Carrie Ann, you sent a great video in our group chat that was talking about bitter coffee. So give our audience the context behind that, and then let's talk about

The Black Coffee Rule

Adrianne 0:49

it.

Kerri Ann 0:49

Yes. So going down the rabbit hole, as I was one day on Instagram, I, you know, it gives you things, even though we don't think our phones listen to us, obviously they do, because this popped up immediately, and I sent it to you girls. So it starts off by saying that a woman interviewed over 75 successful women, and the one thing they all had in common, something called the black coffee rule. Once you hear it, you can't unhear it. And I agree, and that's why I sent it to you guys. So I'll read it to you. So she didn't talk about strategy, she didn't mention investments or networking. She pointed out her coffee, black, no milk, no sugar. And she said something I think about every single day. I stopped adding sugar to things that were bitter. I thought she was talking about coffee and she wasn't. She called it the black coffee rule. She said most people spend their lives sweetening things that don't deserve it. Bad relationships, they add sugar, tell themselves it's not bad. Wrong jobs, they add sugar, convince themselves it'll be better. People who drain them, they add sugar, make excuses, keep tolerating. The sugar doesn't make or the sugar makes it drinkable. But drinkable isn't the same as good. Here's the part that hit me. The most successful people don't add sugar. They taste things as they are. And if it's bitter, they stop drinking. When she said that, I looked at my own life. I thought about everything I'd been tolerating because I'd made it sweet. I'd made it sweeter. The friendships I dressed up as complicated instead of calling them draining. The situations I labeled challenging instead of admitting they were wrong for me. I wasn't being patient. I was being poisoned slowly, one sugared sip at a time. Here's what I now know. You're allowed to stop sweetening things that are bitter. You're allowed to taste the truth of what you're tolerating. You're allowed to put the cup down and walk away because the right things don't need sugar. They're already good enough to swallow. And I will tell you that that absolutely hit me and it really made me do a lot of reflection. And I sent it to you girls because a lot of it is things that I think so many of us deal with. Like in the world, except for today, I literally drink black coffee. And it's strange. I know this sounds very weird, but before when I would add all the creamers and things, I wasn't tasting the coffee. I was tasting more of the sugary stuff because it was just the way that I liked it. Now I drink black coffee and I taste the coffee. And I guess all of that just hit me because of that, where I know there's so many things in my life that I sweeten up to make okay. And those are the things that I know I labor on and I stress about and I would love to change. And I can't be the only person that does that.

Grace Versus Tolerating Bad Fits

Adrianne 4:00

I feel like the honestly, the older I get, the more I don't allow the sweetener in. Because I do feel like it's easy to be like, oh, it's okay, or oh, that's just one thing I'm adding, or oh, that person, the way they spoke to me, they didn't mean it that way. And I think we do allow that to slowly creep in. And I don't know, I feel like the older I get, I don't allow as much of that in my life just because it's just not worth it. The more you add sweetener to with people, I feel like the more why am I trying to make something fit or work that really doesn't seem like it's the right fit.

Leanna 4:40

I think there's a difference between giving grace, because I mean we all have bad days, and it's like, okay, yeah, maybe that person did have a tone, but you that's not who you know them to be. But I think we've talked a lot about how do we navigate when we know that someone is not good for us, or a relationship, or a job, or a fill-in-the-blank is no longer good for us. And like you, I will take any type of cream or my coffee just to have it a little sweet. This is always, if you see me drinking coffee, it's always more cream than it is in coffee. But when you sent that, that totally just spoke to me. Because I think you're right. I think we're getting to a point in our lives where I'm like, you know what? I'd rather taste something bitter and know right away. Then like, what was the line something about like slowly poisoning yourself?

Business Growth That Breaks You

Kerri Ann 5:28

Yeah. Because if you think about it, it's like I know I've walked in things that I've reflected in life, and this caused me to reflect a lot, is I knew inside the essence of Carrie Ann knew that this relationship was harder, it was more work than it was what I wanted from it. And so many other things where it ended up being more work because I was bringing so much more to the table than just allowing it to be what it was. And like with you guys, we are just what we are, and it's easy. It's not easy because being really good friends with people, it's you you need to show up, but when all the rest of it is so real and not sugared, it makes it easier to show up. And you feel like you walk away feeling more fulfilled and and and good. Like that, I you know, I did, and too, I did. I'll just give you an example, and again, I'll be transparent here. I was reflecting on something for me personally, and one of the things that you all know that I have been challenged with is all about you and the business growing so fast, like in spite of me, which is amazing and it's beautiful because it was just me four years ago, and now it's way more than just me with employees and all the things that I had dreamt about, but it happened so quickly. And so the sweetening thing to me sounded like what I would say is we're growing so fast, this is just part of it, the way that I felt like in growth, I'm just supposed to feel this way. I can handle it, I just need to push a little harder. And that was the thing in this growth. It's like, okay, this is just the way it's supposed to be. It'll all catch up soon because I knew that I was just chasing the growth all the time. And the black coffee truth is the debt structure wasn't sustainable. You know, I'd grown so fast and I had taken on debt because in growth, you have you have to do that. I wish I had all this extra expendable cash to put into the growth of the business, but it happened so fast that I did the best that I could. You were carrying too much alone. Yeah. And it took a long time for me to really be in a space to, you know, Sandy was always there for me to lean into on a business end, but I also kept her at a distance because I felt like this was mine to carry. And then with you guys, when we were going through our process, I pro I really opened up to you guys, but there was so many times where I was like, well, no, it's okay. It's it's okay. It it wasn't just busy, it was breaking me. Yeah, and that's really the truth of it, is that the growth and all of the things that I was just saying, this is just the way that it is when you grow. But when I pulled back, I realized like I was loot losing myself in all of that. Yeah, and I had to get back to the to the truth. So I kept telling myself, this is just growth, but really it was unsustainable, and I was exhausted. Yeah. And that's the point that you guys know that I have been really longing for the ability to breathe and pause and really be realistic. Like it doesn't have to be that way. Right.

Adrianne 9:09

I think sometimes, though, in the beginning, you have no choice. Exactly. Like you have to, yeah, it's going to get better. You know, I can handle this, I can do this. I feel like that's always growth mode. But then I think you get to a point where during all of that, you start to figure out what's worth it, like what sweeteners are worth dealing with and not dealing with, and and who in your business or clients, uh, employees, whatever it is, that you get to that point.

Kerri Ann 9:37

So when you're doing it with one thing, it's easy to do it across the board. Yeah. Like, you know what, everything was spinning. I told you guys, I feel like I've been on a two and a half to three year apology tour because the overextension, the sweetening of everything in the business and how I was feeling just extended itself to relationships and friends and people and partnerships and all those, like once you start sweetening one thing, it's just it blends into everything. And and that is sometimes a reality check that you're not prepared to have.

Leanna 10:10

I think though, there's a lot of us who feel this way because you're right, you do have to push for a certain amount of time. Some of it is growth, some of it is getting to that next level. But then I'm hearing people say things consistently like, I'm just so exhausted. Yes, and this is your arena. This is what you hug people with every day. It is. But but I mean, in all honesty, I felt that way too. Like that it came to the decision of was it time to sell the previous company? It was that exhaustion for it's not just a period. This is now my lifestyle. My lifestyle is now living in a space of exhaustion all the time. And that's not healthy, right? So I think there's so many areas where we

Women As The Default Sweetener

Leanna 10:56

I can't speak for men, I can only speak for myself, but I think as women, I take on that role of sweetener. Let me just take one for the team. I will absorb the hard so that everyone around me gets the sweet version, right? Or we take that a little bit of that bitterness on ourselves. And everyone else is living their best life because it's sweet for them. We've given it to them already, sweet. And we're like, this is really hard and it's really bitter. And everyone else around us is like, no, this is fantastic. Because we've taught them how to treat us.

Kerri Ann 11:33

I think it's a good thing. And then when it all falls apart and we have a moment, everybody's like, Did she just have an aneurysm? What happened to her? That's not you. And you're like, it is inside. Yeah. This is the reality.

unknown 11:45

Yeah.

Adrianne 11:45

I think though sometimes you have to get to that breaking point to reevaluate. You know, like I think you can take on so much and take on and not notice how much you're accepting and allowing in your life, in your business, everything. And then I think I think we all at one point have gotten to that breaking point where it is. Like we've made everything look great for our kids, our spouses, you know, jobs. Then we're in our car, like freaking out and messaging each other, trying to like hold on by a thread. And then we walk in and we're all smiles. And I think you get to a point where you're like, okay, I can't do this anymore, and I don't want to do this anymore. And what do I want my own life to look like on the

Choosing Standards For The Next Phase

Adrianne 12:25

next phase? And I feel like for me, it was like the next phase of life. My kids are grown, my business is crazy, which can is good, but where do I want my lines to be? Like I want to have freedom and I want to have a certain standard. And so then I feel like that's where you start changing your path in life, like who you allow, what what you're going to do, what makes your business that makes you happy. Like I really am in a mode of, okay, if I'm going to do this for the next 15, 20 years, I want to retire at X amount, but during that time, I want to do XYZ. How does my business have to look? How does my finances have to look? And I'm willing to give this much time of it because I want this other time for my personal life and my own. I don't want to be someone who I retire and then I end up with, you know, some illness.

Kerri Ann 13:12

I've always been really good at the black coffee effect. Like when I think about that and read that and and now, okay, the last what five, six.

Adrianne 13:23

Yeah, I mean, I just feel like I just took a switch where I was at that point that I'm like, I agree, am not happy. Like, yes, I hit the goals I said. Yes, I did what I said I was gonna do. Okay, well, that much money didn't make me happy. Okay, so I'm gonna make this much money. Well, that that's not fixing my happiness. I think my happiness was I needed to be okay, that I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I know what I want to make, I know what life I want, and I'm just gonna stay in my own lane and live that life. And if you want to work X amount of days and hours and be bitter and miserable, that's fine. I'm choosing that on the next phase of my life, I don't want that. And that's where I got very, I just have gotten very strict with that.

Kerri Ann 14:06

Well, and the people that care about you, I feel like you're doing them a disservice by not being the black coffee and being the sweetened coffee because it kind of sets them up. Like I reflect on, I try with the team because they're also my friends and I love them. And I try to always be, I come, I come to them as sweet and coffee because I feel like that's what they deserve. They're busting their rears out there. We're all working towards collective goals. They don't need to see the black coffee. But I realized that they really do because I showed up at a meeting and literally I in 10 minutes destroyed an entire meeting just by the the what I brought to the table, thinking that I have to go to this meeting and I'm gonna put on a smile, but every single inch of me was oozing awful. And it was, I I stayed for 20 minutes and I looked at all of them and I'm like, I can't get away from me right now. I'm sorry, I am I am awful. You guys, I like everybody was sitting looking at me, like, is she gonna kill herself right now? What's happening? And after that, everyone sent me messages. Are you okay? What's going on? And I'm like, I'm sorry, I should not have gone to the meeting like that. But the reality was, is I should have gone to the meeting and just sat with them because I trust them and just been like, this has been a bad day and I am struggling with a lot. And maybe I don't have to tell them all of it, yeah, but I needed to come less sweet because they deserve that.

Leading Teams Without The Mask

Adrianne 15:49

But I think sometimes, you know, like when I ran a team, is when I made everything look perfect, sweet, yes, no problems, you know, when in the background I knew they weren't hitting numbers, you know, I was seeing red that my life was going crazy, you know, you know, with my kids and stuff. When I started being vulnerable to them, like, hey, here's what's going on. Like to make this work, I want to help you, you want to help me, but we have to be here. If we're not here, I can't make this work. And now you all know I got chaos going on in the background with my own kids, but I'm hitting my numbers and I'm making this work. So I feel like sometimes being vulnerable, because it really was like, if you were you're in it with me and you're busting your butt, we're gonna succeed. But if you're not in it with me and I'm struggling to make sure you have a paycheck, but you're not putting your, you're not risking it too, then that opened my eyes on my team where I got stripped where I'm like, nope, you have this much time or you're off the team. You have this much time because I can't be the one constantly making it sweet for you, and I'm the one suffering. No doubt. You know, so I feel like sometimes being vulnerable to your team, they had no idea. And then they would come in, they'd be like, Well, I can't complain today because XYZ happened to you and you with your kid, and then here you're out selling a house in between and at a meeting. And I'm like, exactly. Like, you got to choose what you want. Like, if you want to make money and make this your career, then you have to handle it, but I can't carry it for everybody. Yeah, yeah.

Leanna 17:18

I think it does, you're right, it does a disservice, and it just keeps coming around to the one word you love most, which is boundaries.

Kerri Ann 17:25

I know. You know, Brian and I talked about that last night because we were talking about these fucking damn podcasts. And he's like, you know, I hear you say things that you need to listen to yourself. And I'm like, I know I do. And I said, but I'm also very real when we're together to be like, I'm working on this. Yeah, and we're working on our boundaries constantly.

Leanna 17:46

We are all a work in progress, and I think you're just more vocal than maybe we are on what we're working on. Or need more assistance. No, we're just less vocal about it to the public. But no, like honestly, when it comes down to because I've had, you know, when I had a staff, I same thing. They're making choices, you know, and it's putting me in the red. And I don't want to say we can't afford this because then I don't want them to panic and think that we're not right. So I'm trying to juggle all this stuff and they're getting not the best version of me, right? Or it's or I see somebody that is all in, and then I see someone else who's not all in, and then it becomes unfair, right? Like these people are getting paid the same. I'm still out the same, but this person's all in, this person's not. How do I make it? And if we are less sweet, and I uh I know that I've got the reputation as the salty one, but I think with my team, I was very protective of them. Yes. And with my family, very, very protective. You know, Jeff would be like, You make this look so easy. And I'm like, what? Like this is so hard and so heavy. But when you take, you don't have to take all the sweetness out, but let them taste a little bit. The people around us that matter to us, let them taste a little bit of that bitterness. And I think they will help absorb some of that, and they'll show up for us the way we need them to. And it just for me, it makes me less grumpy, right? Because I don't feel like I'm trying to hide, I'm constantly wearing a mask. Because it is exhaust.

Adrianne 19:20

And if they don't show up, they're out. I'm sorry. Yeah, it's exhaust. It is exhausting. And now I will say, Terry will never say that I give the sweet version of anything. He said that at church. He clearly said that at church that I say what I'm thinking, and I am not sensitive. Um as a sweet. I don't add a lot of sweetener to things. I am very blunt. What I'm thinking, I say. Sometimes I apologize. I'm totally gonna call you out. Your stories are the sweetest sweetener I've ever seen. But yeah, you're very real. Yeah, no, I like people to, you know, when I have people who follow me.

Kerri Ann 19:56

You mean your story like social media.

Adrianne 19:58

Yeah. Those are sweet. Yeah.

Leanna 19:59

I'm so excited. I got to drive to Glendale, and then I drove to Castle Green, and then I drove back to Sun City, and it's a great day. And I'm like, is it though? And I went to AG's and got tea.

unknown 20:09

Okay.

Adrianne 20:10

That was the highlight of my day, is my tea. I so I don't think I'm sweet on those things, but I will I am sweet online to people, but I feel like I could be a little softer sometimes and it might come across better. But I also think I always take everyone's sweetness and feel like I put up with a lot on a different way. Like if someone asks me to do something, I have a hard time saying no. Yes. I don't hurt someone's feelings, even if inside I didn't. And that's where I feel like shifting a little bit because if I do something for them and then they don't do for me or whatever, then I feel like that's where I start shifting that I'm not as sweet anymore.

Kerri Ann 20:50

Well, and some people do need

Parenting Without Over-Sweetening

Kerri Ann 20:52

a little sweetener. Like I it makes me think of my kids. Like, I know they're adults. I'm very aware that they are adults. However, sometimes, you know, they are forging their own lives. And I did realize that I was over-sweetening with them because that was disabling them from learning and doing, because I would be like, well, I'll just do it because I love to do it, because I'm that kind of mom. And, you know, I want to do these things. And then I would see gaps and holes of things they didn't understand because I was filling in those gaps. And so pulling back and being the black coffee at times showed me that they were rising to the occasion or showed me where I needed to tend to them and be like, okay, let's talk about what this looks like as you grow older. And I do that with everyone in my life, but I mean, I'm using that as an example with the kids. But yeah, that the black coffee effect, that whole thing was very eye opening to me. You know, it kind of takes it down to very A very simple thought. Like now, when I'm doing things, I think, oh, is this my black coffee I love? Or what am I doing here?

Leanna 22:10

Yeah.

Kerri Ann 22:10

I would love to say that I will be good at it, but it will take some. I think we're going to be able to do that. Yeah.

Adrianne 22:17

I feel like that's all of us, though. Yeah. Like we all are works in progress of. I mean, clearly, Terry wants to make sure we all know I was a work in progress of my channel.

Leanna 22:24

But it was a church, so we got forgiven. I'm just waiting when Jeff edits this podcast to see what he what his little comment is and be like, are you? Although maybe if we're if we are more black coffee with people that it doesn't necessarily matter, that gives us a little bit more sweetness for those that it does matter.

Kerri Ann 22:43

I agree because I would say that my husband, who I love, is black coffee a lot. Yeah. And but well, the way that I look at it is he's just a very transparent person. He does not hide things. He people know where they stand with him, you know, good, bad, or indifferent. He's not rude, he's not mean. He just he knows he just knows what he's willing to take, what he's not willing to take, what he's willing to do, what he's not willing to do. And, you know, people love him or don't. But a lot of people appreciate the fact that Brian is Brian and he doesn't hide things. And so he's a lot of black coffee, which in our life, he almost has to be like an espresso because I am the uh complete other side. So you know, we're gonna we're gonna kind of not even come to the middle because he just needs to move into regular coffee, and I need to get all the way to the other side of that.

unknown 23:48

Awesome.

Kerri Ann 23:49

Yeah. So anyway, do you want to

Thoughts In Comments And Goodbye

Kerri Ann 23:52

close this out?

Adrianne 23:52

Yeah, so tell us your theory and thoughts on the black coffee effect in the comments, and we'll see you next time.

Voice Over 23:59

Yeah. Bye. And that's a wrap on today's episode of the Group Chat Goes Live, Slightly Salty Edition. If you laughed, cringed, nodded along, or mentally texted your bestie, good. That means we did our job. Make sure you follow, subscribe, and slide into our DMs with your own slightly salty stories. You know we love the chaos. Until next time, keep your group chat spicy and the real world slightly saltier.