The Invisible Load Of Motherhood

We talk about the invisible load moms carry and the strange mix of pride and grief that shows up as our kids grow into adults. We laugh about what they remember, what they forget, and what we hope they’ll one day say about us when the chaos finally quiets down. 
• the mental load and why we make it look easy 
• raising kids who choose to be with us 
• the pride of watching adult kids host, plan, and step up 
• setting standards for sons and thinking about future partners 
• advice for surviving the middle school and high school blur 
• choosing presence over perfect photos and social media proof 
• the brutal truth about what kids actually remember 
• hopes for the next phase: pause more, stay true, take risks, love louder 
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Transcript

Welcome To Slightly Salty

Voice Over 0:02

Welcome to the Group Chat Goes Live Slightly Salty Edition, where your three favorite troublemakers turn the chaos of the group text into a full-blown weekly show. We're talking real life, real opinions, and just enough sass to keep things interesting. No filters, no perfection. Just three women with big personalities, bold stories, and a habit of saying the quiet parts out loud. So grab your drink, brace yourself, and join us. Because the group chat didn't just spill the tea, it went live.

Motherhood And The Invisible Load

Adrianne 0:33

All right, ladies. This is Mother's Day week. So we thought this week, let's talk about our kids and the invisible loads we carry as moms and what do we hope our kids will say about us someday? Hmm. Take it away. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_04 0:50

Oh, I I just I want my kids to not think I was insane during some parts of their lives. You know, I think the invisible load for all moms and just women in general is that everybody thinks that everything gets done and it's so wonderful and easy because we make it look like and they don't see the five million things that get anything to the end result.

SPEAKER_00 1:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:17

And and that is just a I think that's inherent to a mother and who you are. And maybe that I'm I'm sure there are moms that are not like that.

Leanna 1:30

I think the one thing I hear a lot from my kids, from Jeff, I know you guys hear it, is you make it look so easy. Yes, that's kind of what I meant.

SPEAKER_04 1:38

You said it better.

Leanna 1:39

And I love I love that. But on that same token, like it's not easy. It is very heavy. And if I'm not thinking about the 78 things while you're thinking about the one, then how I ask Jeff all the time, I love him, and I'm like, but what what are you thinking about when you're thinking about this? And he's like, I'm just thinking about that. I'm like, but what about all the other things? And he's like, No.

SPEAKER_04 2:07

You

Raising Kids Who Choose You

SPEAKER_04 2:08

know what? I I will say one of the things that I lived my life with, and I really hope for my kids if I take this and put it all together, is that my mom and dad would say to us, our job will be complete when you grow up and you choose to be with us, not because you need to be with us. And we grew up where, and I would tell Brian, I would be out with my friends, it'd be college, or we'd be at the Arizona Center or whatever, and everybody'd be like, Where are they? I'm like, they're coming. And my mom and dad would walk in and everybody would high five and be so happy, and they'd dance. Like, I wanted to be, and I wanted, I want to be around my parents and my mom now, and I enjoy them. And and I try to create times where my kids can come and learn how to change now that they're older, the narrative from okay, we're going to, you know, mom and dad's to we want to.

SPEAKER_00 3:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 3:10

You know, we want to have you over, we want to invite you to dinner, we want to go on a trip with you. Like I really, really my heart will be so full if through life that is what they take

When Your Kids Host You

SPEAKER_04 3:24

on.

Leanna 3:24

That's a really cool dynamic. I know that I'm the baby of the group, but I'm the one that has the kids that are the oldest, right? And I remember the first time we went to go see Christian and Lexi in Austin, and they hosted us. And you know, when you've got people coming to the house, you you know, you prepare certain things and you do, you know, everything's gotta be a certain way. We walked into their home and it felt like their home. And I saw them both do things to make us feel welcome. And we got your favorite snacks and we got your favorite drinks, and you know what I mean? Like they they had planned the entire weekend. We're gonna go here, we're gonna go to there, we got reservations here. And to watch one, to watch them, my son included, because a lot of times it's the the girls that do it, right? But to watch him take things that I showed them, I didn't necessarily tell them, but they saw what I would do when someone was coming over, or how I would try and set the house up to make them feel a certain way. Uh it's really an amazing proud moment as a mom to watch your children step into being a real adult, right? And taking the time to plan things and to see that maybe all the things that you thought you were doing that were going unnoticed really were noticed, and it meant enough to them that they now want to do it as adults, you know? That's a beautiful feeling. It's also really nice the first time your kids like the bill comes, you know how the bill comes, and somehow, like all of a sudden, it's like in front of you. Like the first time that Christian paid for a meal, he was like, No, no, I got this. Jeff and I were like, What is happening right now? Like, and and his car didn't decline and it went through and like and he paid for it. We were like like that moment where you realize that even though the they're always your kid, they're actually like a full functioning adult. And then you add in the mix watching them parent children, and you're just like maybe all of that weight that I carried for so long was kind of worth it, right? Because they become really good humans. Yeah. Hopefully raising other really good humans. Yep. So I don't know. It's generational. Yeah. Yep.

unknown 5:59

Yeah.

Leanna 6:00

They I hope they appreciate all the curses that I broke to say. I think we all have, right? Like all the things. Except I don't know for you, because we all still get very excited when Franny shows up to anything. Franny.

Adrianne 6:14

I want to be that for my kids. I mean, I feel like one on the heavy load, I do think we made it look way too easy for our kids. That the reality of now that them having careers and stuff, that the reality is hitting them of how to pay bills in life. And I feel bad being a boy mom for their wives because I probably set the bar way too high of that. I am way too type A controlling and handle stuff, that their wives will be like, what the hell has happened? Like, what did you do to these boys? So I'll have to apologize to their future wives. But then I also hope that they know like we've always been there. Like it doesn't matter what they've done, good, bad, doesn't matter what's going on in our lives, careers, that when they call, I've always showed up.

Voice Over 6:59

Yeah.

Adrianne 7:00

And been there, no matter whether I wanted to strangle their necks or not, or beat an ass. But I still was there loving and there to support them. And I hope that they take that with them.

Leanna 7:10

Yeah. But you know, I mean, it's funny that you say that you might have done too much. Joey dog sits for us. The first time after he stayed, I did call you and I was like, he was here, right? Because everything was immaculate. We're very I'm a little controlling with my house cleaning. How are you gonna how are you gonna phrase that? I'm a control enthusiast with a level of cleanliness at my home. That said, you could not tell. And we were gone, what, a week, 10 days, something like that? There was the trash was emptied, the sink was clean, the like I couldn't even tell what bed he'd been in. Like sheets were washed. So I think you should give yourself like kudos. He knows he may not do it because when you're around when you're around, but he sure knows how to do it when you're not. Because I did. I was like, were the dogs at my house the whole time? Or did he take them to your house? Like, because I'm pretty sure no one was in the house ever. So he set the standard.

Adrianne 8:15

Yeah, that's true. And I do appreciate it. And I love when people say, even if they see the boys out and about, like how thoughtful they are or care. Like I know that that reflects that they've seen that from us. And but yeah, I hope that that's how they continue to carry on in life and they won't know how to cook or anything. But that's okay. It's a door to we can't teach them everything. There are some life lessons for them to learn. But so what else about your kids that you think like memory-wise, or what you would want them to know, or people who are going through it right now in the midst of it? I mean,

Surviving The Teen Chaos Years

Adrianne 8:52

I feel like middle school to high school was a blur to me. And one launching businesses, I feel like we were launching our businesses at the same time the kids were in middle school and high school. Like, what are what's advice you'd give to women right now that are in that mess? I'm gonna call it a mess because it is chaotic. I didn't love it. They're hard.

Leanna 9:13

I didn't, that was not my favorite. I like them when they can't walk, they can't talk. You put them in a spot and you come back and they're still there. Once they start having opinions and stuff.

SPEAKER_04 9:24

Well, and you know what? I think I know that it for me there were so much stressors of all the things I was doing and the things I thought I should be doing that I wish I would have leaned more into not worrying about having a picture or scrapbook or a photo album of stuff or all those, and just leaned into just the experience. Because truly, like I know that I have pictures and things of you know, my mom and dad and them growing up or them with me and all that, but the memories, you know, the pictures are great, but the memories are what the memories are, and those are the experiences you have to lean into. And I didn't do that as much as I wish I would have. I think I missed a lot because I was overdoing or trying to do more, and so I do like I I mean, even now, like Brian wants to just oh my goodness, just pluck his eyeballs out when because I'm very and you guys know I'm very emotional when I think about, you know, like Caden's leaving in July. It just you know, like time goes so fast. Yeah. And once they're gone and they're on their lives and that's our job, it's so wonderful. And it just freaking sucks too. I'm excited for all those new things and new phases and all that. But you know, when I see moms, I am so that person that's like, enjoy every moment because it's going fast. Yeah, I am that annoying woman because I truly believe it. And like you said, we were building businesses and networking and doing these things and being married and raising kids and still trying to do PTO things and all the stuff.

SPEAKER_00 11:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:08

So I would just tell moms with kids, you know, don't worry because it doesn't have to go on social media and they don't need a scrapbook. They need you and just be in the moment and really enjoy it because it does go fast and you don't get to redo it.

Voice Over 11:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:27

Whether it's good or bad. And I know you won't believe me.

Leanna 11:32

But this next phase with Caden is gonna be so beautiful. No, I know that. Like your baby is flying. I didn't know. I know it did. I knew. Oh, yeah. I mean, you do work together too.

SPEAKER_04 11:45

So you're I know and this is how awful it is, too, because they him and Caitlin came over for dinner, and he's like, we just want you to know that Caitlin is going to be taking off every other Saturday or Sundays, depending, so that we can spend time with you guys. And I'm like, what did I do to them? They're like, your mother's gonna throw herself off a bridge if you move and we don't set up. But that's so sweet because they both got together and were like, okay, we know this is not gonna be easy for her. So, and I am an adult. Yeah, and they also know that it that that blow got softened a little bit because I got my little munchkin back after graduation. So he's home for a little while. So they're like, Thank God, Tori's home.

Leanna 12:33

I'm moving out. You're gonna need to stay here. You can't leave, so I can go.

Adrianne 12:38

I love that. I think the hardest I want the boys to go out and do their own thing and that they're at an age it's time. But it's interesting because like with Joey, dog sitting helped me start being like, okay, he can be gone. You know, and then you know, he's a serious girlfriend and all that. And I so it's I feel like he has slowly, you know, cut the umbilical cord for me, knowing that I needed it to be a slow phase.

Leanna 13:02

I panicked because I did not know he had not been away from home. She's like, he's never been away from home this long. And I was like, okay, it's four miles.

SPEAKER_04 13:11

He did a really good job of cutting the umbilical cord slowly because you and Terry are rocking the empty nesters. I know now I'm spoiled where I'm like, what?

Adrianne 13:20

Why are you home? I gotta put on pants. What is happening in my life? Like, he's like, I still live here. Food? Why do we need food in the house? You know, I'm like, oh, are we cooking in the night? It's just going to happy hour. Yeah, that's that's a part where, but I tell people now too, I'm always like, enjoy it. Because I feel like I was such, I was, I had such like a task list every day. Yeah. Yeah, like you gotta do this, get that, do this. I was so surprised. And then, yeah, right. And then I mean, like, it's bedtime, this, that, you know. And then when I look back now, I'm like, gosh, why did you not just slow down?

SPEAKER_04 13:54

I know I was your neighbor, and you'd be like, your son's still here. We're on a schedule. I'd have to go prime out of the trampoline in the backyard. They have things to do. There is a schedule here at this house. I'm so, yeah, now no one has a schedule.

Adrianne 14:08

That did not stick with my voice. They are not scheduled people.

SPEAKER_04 14:11

Yeah. That's the anti-thing. Because you know what? Here's one thing it drives Brian crazy.

The Memories Kids Actually Keep

SPEAKER_04 14:18

Growing up, every time I would open the refrigerate refrige, I would have to have a plan of what was in there. Remember the last time I was in there, where everything was, and what I was gonna get. Because if I opened it up and it was an extended period of time, my mother would come behind and go, dollar bills are flying out of the refrigerator. And I'm like, And now Ryan will come. I and I don't even think about, I'm not doing it on purpose. I will be cutting and doing stuff, and both doors of the refrigerator are wide open, and he'll come in and he'll be like, Really? I'm like, Oh, I forgot to close it. It's because I go, I was literally scarred. Now I'm just like open their fridge and I make the whole dinner while the fridge is wide open. Dollar bills are flying everywhere. That's awesome. I don't know. Those are the things we do to our children.

Leanna 15:10

I know that's mine will have. I think all kids have the scar.

SPEAKER_04 15:14

Like you've got your mom telling you that refrigerator scar.

Adrianne 15:19

Oh, I'm sure my kids have lots of scars. I know that my kids all the time. You know what irritates me with my kids? We're gonna have this on the mother's thing. I'm gonna get salty. Is all of the trips and vacations and things we've done, and then I'll say something and they'll be like, What? I don't remember that. And I'm gonna be like, remember kidding me of how many trips we've taken. You know, back then we didn't have the money, but we'd make it work because it was their you know, we want to create these memories, and they don't remember, but they'll remember the time like remember mom when you lost it at blah blah blah. And I'm like, Are you kidding me? That's what you that is what you remember. Yes, you don't remember the amazing vacations at the time.

SPEAKER_04 15:55

Don't you remember when we took you to Paris when you were three?

Leanna 15:58

No, we did. No. My kids are the same. They're like, you were always working. I'm sorry. I did not miss a field trip, I didn't miss a PTO, I didn't miss like, and they're like, Yeah, but you were on your phone.

SPEAKER_00 16:08

But okay.

Leanna 16:10

Like, don't we're not gonna talk about Disneyland every year or the zoo because they flew. We went, we took Christian, he had a thing with pandas for a long time. It was his obsession. They brought some in from China. We woke up at five in the morning, drove all the way to San Diego for him to see the pandas.

Adrianne 16:27

Oh, wow. Right? He doesn't remember.

Leanna 16:30

He's like, but you're you were working. Okay, okay. I was okay. That's what we're gonna say. Or yeah, the same. Yeah. Do you remember, Mom, when we were in Target and you grabbed the inside of my arm? Really? That's okay. That's those are our memories that we're gonna stick with. Okay, yeah. Remember when you used to whisper in our ear, yeah, come here, I'll do it again. You're not too old for me to do that, too.

SPEAKER_04 16:54

Or when you'd whisper and they'd be like, Your mouth, it's hot. And you're like, listen to the words.

Adrianne 17:04

Oh, what were we even talking about? We were absurd. Really, it was just like what our memories like of carrying the heavy load, and then just like what things you hope that your kids

What We Hope They Carry Forward

Adrianne 17:13

take from you. So maybe we'll do that. Like, what do you hope for your kids in this next phase of life? Oh boy.

SPEAKER_04 17:23

I I really hope that my kids, and we say this a lot, I hope they learn the art of the pause way before they need to, to just live in the moments and appreciate the moments and you know, take the time in those moments to, you know, just just just pause, just not be go, go, go, go, go all the time. And you know what's funny is that this age generation, I think they do that much better than we did. Because there are times where I'll say, Well, you need to do this, this, and this, and they'll be like, All today? I'm like, What? Yeah.

Leanna 18:05

That's why I was I wasn't breaking it up into days. I thought you could do this in literally hours, let alone all day. But you take all day, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 18:14

Yeah, and just to be true to who they are. Yeah. Just be true to who you are. And because I know through life I I changed me for a lot of people, and that you tend to lose yourself in doing that. Yeah.

Leanna 18:29

I hope at the end of the day the love outweighed anything else. Yeah. Like I hope that they always look at me as their soft place to land. I may complain about it, I may not appreciate it because I told you 10 times that this was gonna happen. Yes. Right. But I hope that they always just know that that was unconditional and that I genuinely tried with the tools I had, right? I think how I love them now is so much different than when I was younger. But I mean, I was 18 and 20 when I had them. You know what I mean? I'm I'm trying to figure out how to pay rent and bills and you know, all of the things and get you to school on time and you know, like so stuck in trying to figure out how to navigate life and not break them and to not make the mistakes that my parents made and you know, do all the things. And I didn't pause. I didn't, I I gave them amazing experiences. I missed out on half of them because I was on my phone. You know what I mean? And I think that that's why it irritates me so much when they bring it up, is because I was hoping that the weight of the experience would make them not notice that I wasn't present, right? But if they can see that, especially now, I think I I can have different conversations with them, but see that I was always their champ. You know what I mean? Like I always was cheering for them. I was I've always been and I will always be their biggest cheerleader. Is what I hope when all is said and done, that's what they remember me for. Right. I'm sure they'll say something like that, and that I pinched them under the arm. I'm sure it'll be like a mix of them. There's always gotta be something.

Adrianne 20:16

A mix of them. Yeah. I hope on my boys, I hope one, they don't settle and get comfortable in life. And I feel like I say that because they were raised by two entrepreneurs. So, you know, we have the highs, the lows, and I don't want that to scare them of stepping out and trying things. So I hope they just don't settle. And I hope that they know their worth and they don't put up with, you know, crap from other people or that they always know like their worth is how we see them, you know, and that that's what they as they grow older that they do that. They take the risk because I feel like mine are a little more regimen than taking risks. So I hope that they will take risks because it it can be a little different being raised by entrepreneurs. Yeah, so I hope they take that, and then I hope they always, like they do right now, FaceTime me at events, they're friends, like that I'm not hanging out with them, but they bring me in to let them know what's going on. Like they're always calling or messaging me or FaceTiming me to be part of something and let me know they're good. And I know they do that for me. Yeah. And hopefully for them too. But that's what I would take.

SPEAKER_04 21:32

I don't hope that they love me because I tell them they have to every single day. There's a lot of Kerry and mommy rules that happen with that. So I guilt mine. I'm not the one either. When it comes to the baby, like I'll be like We have to use all of the tools at our disposal.

Leanna 21:50

Yes. Like he texts me all the time. He checks in, like, hey mom, have a good day, or I'm on my way to work. 90% of the time he calls me, he's on his way to work. There's not a baby in the car with me. When you're on your way to work. I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm on my way to work. I'm like, where's the baby? I know. I'm like, but what about the baby? I'll send you pictures. No, you won't. Okay.

Grandbaby FaceTime And Fixing Our Face

Adrianne 22:09

So I love that there's a TikTok of a dad that he uh every time the daughter comes to visit, he'll he's always like, That baby better be in that car. And the baby is not in that car, you just turn around. Go get that baby. And they're like, But dad, I just want to spend time. I will spend time with you, but I'm not spending time with you if the baby's not here.

Leanna 22:26

I told Jeff we have to fix our face because we get FaceTime and we get all excited. We're like, and so we're like, hello. And then it's he's like, hey, and we're like, oh. And he's like, she's right here. Hold on. And I feel bad because I'm like, I do, I love him so much, but I love him even more because he gave me this cute little bundle of just love that is Lily. But yeah, we do have to fix our face. I'm like, get your face ready because it might be him. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 22:55

We have to throw multiple parties. I know.

Leanna 22:58

Yay. Hi, how are you? Good, okay, good. Next.

Adrianne 23:02

Yep. So I don't know. All right. Anything else on the topic, ladies? No.

Mother’s Day Wishes And Closing

Adrianne 23:07

All right. Well, we wish you all a happy Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day.

Voice Over 23:11

Yay. And that's a wrap on today's episode of the Group Chat Goes Live, Slightly Salty Edition. If you laughed, cringed, nodded along, or mentally texted your bestie, good. That means we did our job. Make sure you follow, subscribe, and slide into our DMs with your own slightly salty stories. You know we love the chaos. Until next time, keep your group chat spicy and the real world slightly saltier.